Grammar: "Metaphors Be With You"!!

For most of us English is a sentence (buh dum bum). In school we learned the basics followed by their 6,534 exceptions. We discovered, for instance, that "i" goes before "e" except after "c," then immediately took off to SCIENCE.

In sixth grade I entered the Spelling Bee and in the final round misspelled "lenient," which does not, for the record, end in "-ant."

I cried myself raw on the merry-go-round, shouting at the heavens: L-e-n-i-E-n-t, l-e-n-i-E-n-t... I still enjoy the irony!

In the wake of that sinister day, I pledged to memorize every word in the dictionary, beginning with the a's.

"Audacity, noun. Unreserved impudence."

Flip flip flip flip.

"Impudent, adjective. Impertinent disrespect."

Flip flip flip flip.

"Impertinence, noun..."

In high school they make us diagram sentences that seem friendly enough but which are, beneath the surface, crawling with "prepositional phrases" and "subordinate clauses."

Example: All people must have been laughing.

In eighth grade, "all people" is the subject, and "must have been laughing" is the verb.

By tenth grade, "all" is an adjectival modifier, "must" is a modal auxiliary verb, and "have been laughing" is a contusion of the lower occipital lobe. Wait, I'm back in science.

The problem is that English has so many unnecessary, unneeded, needless words, and let me explicate why: Our founding grammarians had a sick sense of humor and are even now snickering in the distance. How else can you explain the pronunciation of colonel?

But they were the ones waving quills, and if a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know?

So they brainstormed new exceptions...

"No, no. Let's have 'grammer' end in -ar. That'll really make 'em feel stupid."

When they finished with spellings, our twisted forebears gave each word numerous-sometimes contradictory-meanings.

Match, verb. 1. To fit together, be in harmony 2. To pit in opposition against.

Then they moved on to pronunciation, which would depend, of course, on context (the part of the country you're from).

Example: Don't project on my project unless you effect my affects, and by that I mean my personal belongings.

And it's just this sort of thing that makes people speak Spanish. To this day, I say "amen" both ways just to make sure the prayer counts.

They, the grammar sickos, considered adding an "s" to "misspell," but were far too subtle-with-a-b. They enjoy it most when nobody knows the word "arcane" and phonetic begins with "ph."

So what happens? Kids stop judging books by their covers and judge them by their movies instead. At Christmas, my nephew unwrapped Catcher in the Rye and asked, "Where do you plug it in?"

So it goes.

Other signs of language decay can be found in this perfectly acceptable use of online grammar: LOL BTW luv 2 chat but CUl8er :P

We'll diagram tomorrow.

Advertisers have their own rules, which include lots of verbing.

"Staples is the best place to office."

"How to California in 30 Days."

Note that California is an intransitive verb, so you couldn't say, "Go California yourself." You could, however, engage in Californication according to noted grammarians, The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I personally feel that it's immoral to put our children through English when grownups are running around using "office" as a verb. Think of all the time we slumped over those big blue English books of death. Those years could have been so much funner!

All I'm saying is that we could stand to be a little more l-e-n-i-A-n-t.

AY-men and AH-men.

Flyleaf

Even here, even tonight, in this nostalgic bedroom, either of us could be a policeman…kicking down the closed doors of alibis, of our mistakes, of our adventures. Each of us could investigate the case back to its origin—the motive and opportunity for earlier love. Do we not know the score? Criminals return to the scene if only in their minds. We let them talk and flip them in their lies. We break them down.

Either of us could play good cop, coffee-giver, provider of lights; either could be the bad lieutenant…hard carrier of truth, the whispering questioner…and anyone could be the suspect—handcuffed face-down in this bed, begging for just one second, pleading now for the chance to deal names like cards.

They become a wall… my fears, everything, nothing at all. A phantom somewhere beyond the peeling away, some empty space beneath the final page, beneath the hollow of bones that holds that initial mystery.

"High and Low" Greg Laswell

"High and Low" By: Greg Laswell

I'm going to see some friends from out of state
The very trip that you were supposed to take a while
ago
But it fell through
Like all of you
Like all of you

Thought i'd make the drive but a free plane ride is in
the air
And just like that my fear of it disappeared
Like all of you
Like all of you

And i look high and low for yesterday
High and low for you and i
High and low

Once i can see straight i might move somewhere cold
Seattle or the bay area; to see your ghost
What's left of you
What's left of you

And i look high and low for yesterday
High and low for you and i
High and low

Found a letter from a man i might have met, addressed
to you
And i'll steal the words he ended with:
I miss you
And i do
Miss you
And i do

High and low for yesterday
High and low for you and i
High and low